original and revised

 A block away from Daisy’s foster home in Philadelphia,  at about ten o’clock at night, the sky is a dark gray with heavy rolling clouds sprawling over the city.  Daisy sobbing and wailed on a rusty broken down bench near a local park. Daisy arrived at the park after her foster parent Amanda notifies her that her brother Chris had passed away. In the foreground, you can see Daisy crying over her brother's death. You can also see a shattered glass bottle just a couple of feet away from the bench Daisy was sitting on. This will be what she will ultimately use to kill herself. In the background, you can see the neighborhood where Daisy lives and all the playscapes that are at the park. 

Daisy sat on an old, sagging, bench crying and screaming into the dark stormy night. She had always been extremely frustrated with her life so far and was certain that things were never going to get better. People that encountered Daisy quickly realized she did not have an easy childhood. Daisy and her twin brother Chris had been in the foster care system since they were two. They had been in and out of many homes but no family could raise them. Daisy was a poor student because she lacked the motivation to participate in class. She also acted up very often, bullying other kids during school hours, stealing from stores in the mall and getting into fistfights at the park. She grew to hate the person that she became. She stood and watched her life slip out of her control and fall to her side of bad habits. Daisy’s life was miserable but the one thing that always made it better was knowing that she would always have Chris by her side. After a rough day of failing 4 assessments in school and getting into a couple fights,  Daisy was on her way home. When she arrived at the foster home she followed her regular routine of heading directly to her room when her foster mom Amanda stopped her in her tracks. Amanda never really talked to her though so Daisy knew something had to be wrong. “Hey Daisy,” said Amanda, “I’m sorry to tell you this but Chris passed away today.” Daisy, stunned, couldn't bring herself to believe her at first. When she realized what Amanda said was true, she spun on her heels and bolted for the park. As she ran she lost touch with herself, she felt like she was outside looking in. For the first time in her life, she couldn't change what had been done and she felt absolutely hopeless. She gingerly took a large piece of shattered glass from a broken bottle on the sidewalk. "I have nobody left," she thought to swiftly slit her wrists. She continued doing this until she fell to the ground. Too weak to regain control of herself, she faded in and out of consciousness. Daisy quickly lost blood and died just ten minutes later. With a broken childhood and a storm of problems surrounding her, all Daisy felt she could do was tear herself apart.